Weight of my words
by congratsifyoufoundthis
Summary: Who knew love could make you speechless forever? Kaoru's POV [onesided hikaoru]songfic ish


A/n: Moshi-moshi! I'm dxs-f, and this will be my first time writing a hikarou ficcy! I got so inspired after watching eppy 21. TT Kaoru my love!

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It was slipping and falling deeper into a place where I couldn't reach. So I held on to it, desperately trying not to let it go. But you don't always get what you want, and so it slipped. There was no way to stop it now like the force of gravity tugged at it, and there was no one to catch it as it fell.

I closed my eyes to block out everything. If I couldn't see anything, if I couldn't hear anything, then there wouldn't be any more pain. Because it hurt. It hurt to see him smile to himself because he was thinking of her. When I had nightmare now, he was nowhere near me to kiss me softly on the forehead, and say it wasn't real. His warm hand took mine, and the pain came back. I still kept my eyes closed so I wouldn't have to see that flawless face. His touch was familiar yet different. I started noticing small things, no observing them like they were an experiment, and I was the scientist watching it. His hand held mine loosely as we walked to the Host club room. No longer tight, and possessive, and warm. Just loose. A touch to make sure I was still living in this realm.

I didn't say anything when he commented on how bored he was. I didn't say anything at all anymore. A mute without a reason to be mute was what I was. When I first started to not talk at all, people would ask me what was wrong. Especially him, he would always ask me if it was his fault if I wasn't speaking anymore. Now it just seemed normal, nobody asked any more questions. Most of them probably thought I was trying to get attention. Maybe I was. I was trying to get attention, no I am. Trying desperately to get his attention.

_There are very many things  
I would like to say to you,_

But, what would be the point in talking now. Would he even hear? Would he take time to listen? I glanced at him, taking in his features that I had copied. His gaze was far off. He was thinking of her.

_but i've lost my way  
and I've lost my words._

There was a whole ocean between us now. How could I get across when he had the boat? He was on land, and I was on the deserted island with no way out. I imagined everyone with him, Haruhi by his side. The lord whining to him to not touch him precious daughter, Kyouya with his clipboard, and Mori and Hunni together like one person. They didn't look my way, they all laughed and played, and he fell more in love with her. And I stood on my island, wondering why I wasn't with them. So I just stayed and observed them from afar.

_There are very many places  
I would like to go  
but I can't find the key  
to open my door_.

We reached the door, and he opened it. We no longer opened the doors together. I didn't want to touch it. What if it wasn't real, what if I wasn't there? Was this a dream? Immediately entering, he let my hand go and went by Haruhi's side. She smiled at him with those big, intelligent eyes smiling with her. She didn't love him did she? No it didn't seem like she did. She just thought they were friends, and he was happy with that. Just as long as they could be together, he was happy. And that was what mattered. His happiness. I would kill myself to make him smile.

That expression on his face, and his eyes, it took me nearly two weeks before I figured it out. I had finally recognized it, it was the same look I give him. A longing for something that was never going to happen.

_The weight of my words-  
you can't feel it anymore._

I let my eyes linger on his back for a few more second before shutting them and going into my trance. I put on my headphones with closed eyes, and hit play. Suddenly all the pain vanished, like I had vanished.

_The weight of my words-  
you can't feel it anymore._

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A/n: Aww, I've never written anything angsty before, so I apologize if it sucks. XD

I'm not feeling to happy right now, so I guess this is an interpretation of how I'm feeling right now. –sighs-


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